Why Viral Relationship Advice Is Ruining Relationships

Social media is drowning with relationship advice but those TikTok “therapists” may be making intimacy harder.

Imagine you’re taking your scroll break after work and you see a catchy hook about a relationship red flag. It explains that when your partner shows some spicy physical affection while you are doing the dishes they are violating your boundaries. You get lost in the comments of people saying it’s signs of future sexual abuse, your partner prioritizing their needs over yours, they see you as a sexual object, and even that they aren’t pulling their weight with chores. For a moment you question you partner’s behavior and start getting upset. Maybe you even confront them later about this boundary violation. Your partner is confused, gets defensive and you end the evening in a fight.

Before seeing the post, you enjoyed these moments of connection while doing mundane tasks. It made you feel connected and you even waited in anticipation when your partner entered the room. The post was so persuasive you didn’t think about the fact that you’ve never had a boundary that touches like that needed verbal consent. Your partner was confused for a reason, something they thought you both enjoyed suddenly wasn’t ok and it was brought up when the behavior hadn’t even happened. The algorithm may keep showing you videos like this that may continue to influence you and if so, how do you repair?

There is a growing concern among mental health clinicians about this advice out of context being given on social media by so called experts. This can be dangerous when blanket claims are being made. These influencers don’t know their audience and how this will affect them. In a study in 2022, researchers found that 70% of people over 30 consume mental health content on social media. APA cited growing concern in 2020 over “therapy speak” leading to miscommunication or self diagnosis.

The Problem with Social Media Psychology

• Not Research Based

I hate when I see the posts that start with “Psychology Says”, I can’t help but think where does it say this? There are never any sources linked to these claims and certainly no research to back it up. Most of the time it has no basis of truth but these myths keep getting passed around on the internet. Be weary of any claim that doesn’t have citations of where they got the information.

• Oversimplified Claims

There is often an oversimplification blanket statement made like “if he wanted to he would”. That cannot be true for every situation and you can’t write off a partner who doesn’t read your mind and do everything you want. It can be true in situations where there is a long repeated history of your partner not meeting a need after you have clearly expressed it to them. There are also scenarios where they do want to but there is a perfectly valid reason for why they can’t. You cannot take a 10 word sentence and generalize it to any situation. Many claims assume most conflict is solvable where John Gottman’s research shows that 69% of conflict is perpetual and requires much more to find a place of understanding.

• One Size Fits All Advice

Most advice assumes everyone is the same and have no varying factors. It often ignores context, neurodiversity, trauma history, cultural beliefs, and even differing sexual and gender identities. “Your partner isn’t listening if they don’t understand you” may be true in some situations but doesn’t take into account your partner having ADHD and trouble concentrating despite trying really hard to. It doesn’t account for your partner disassociating when they feel flooded by a trauma trigger. It also doesn’t suggest that you may in fact not be communicating well enough for your partner to understand.

• Insight Doesn’t Equal Change

Sometimes social media relationship advice does create some meaningful insight. Learning about “I statements” and the incredibly helpful recipe for communicating in a way to take ownership for your feelings and express your needs does not equate to behavioral change. I know this to be true for most people because even in therapy it takes people many times of me teaching it and redirecting their communication for them to start communicating that way on their own. No one masters it after one introduction to the concept.

• Emotional regulation is often skipped in online work.

They are usually short posts or videos that don’t go into depth for how to make these changes. In Polyvagal theory we know that under stress we lose access to relational skills especially when the body feels unsafe. Creating emotional safety and healthy communication in a relationship can’t be achieved by watching a TikTok.

What Actually Helps Relationships

I’d love to think most people see a viral post and that is the trigger to seeking out more resources for a problem the person has been made aware of.  I think some influencers do a great job promoting therapy as a way to find more information if you relate to their content. The best influencers show you that if you experience or feel their hook there is a way to fix it if you are willing to do the work. The work being self reflection and therapy, not buying their product.

Here are some ways you can work on your relationship if the social media advice catches your attention:

• Explore personal issues in individual therapy (focus on finding that context and reflection over reaction).

• Talk to your partner about your feelings, don’t accuse them of toxic behavior.

• Research the topic/advice to see if it is founded empirically and not just a random person making the claim based on personal experiences.

• Look for reputable resources like books, cited publications online, and workshops that have research backed claims.

• Find a couples therapist and bring up the advice you saw online (a lot of my couples do this!).

Things To Remember

Advice isn’t always toxic, sometimes it’s great. You have to remember that social media uses hooks that can be exaggerated or loud to get engagement. Be curious about it before acting, think; is this actually a boundary in our relationship? It’s always a great idea to seek out an experienced couples therapist to discuss any issues you may be having. They have good assessment tools and treatment that can be a great aid in having a healthier happier relationship. The best advice may be to ignore the advice and start listening to each other instead!