Stonewalling Isn’t Always Shameful: A Survival Strategy in Disguise

Stonewalling is when there is an emotional shutdown during conflict, it can look like the silent treatment or short responses and physical distance. It’s not usually intentional as it is a result of being emotionally flooded or feeling unsafe.

John Gottman found stonewalling to be one of the four horseman; a top predictor of divorce. He found that it occurs after criticism, contempt, and defensiveness intensifying the need to shut down. He found that men are more likely to stonewall due to higher physiological reactivity like heart rate increasing. He also found that when woman stonewall it can predict relationship breakdown and negative sentiment override.

In Porge’s research I polyvagal theory stonewalling is seen as a freezing/flooding response. Our autonomic nervous system shuts down our communication abilities. It views this behavior as something very hard to stop as it’s happening but does note there are systematic changes you can make to regulate your nervous system.

Where the Shame Comes From

It would be a normal response to feel shameful of a behavior in your relationship that predicts divorce with 94% accuracy. It can be easy for the other partner to voice your behavior being the “problem”.

The silent treatment has a negative stigma. Most people say that the silent treatment is:

Immature

The truth is that stonewalling is not immature. It’s not a behavior seen in normal children, but is a behavioral developed from a repeated experience of feeling unsafe. Your brain and body disassociate in order to find a safer place.

• Manipulative

Stonewalling isn’t manipulative because it isn’t intentional. It’s not used as a way to control your partner but is adapted as a way to control the feeling of being safe.

• A Game

Stonewalling isn’t a game either. It’s not a form of play, there are no rules, and no one wins. It’s clear from Gottman’s research that it’s harmful to the relationship and repeated use of it ends badly. People wouldn’t keep engaging in it if they were getting poor results.

• Intentionally Harmful

I haven’t seen people use true stonewalling as a way to intentionally harm their partner.  Remember stonewalling is during conflict and not a behavior that lasts for days or weeks constantly. Though it does cause harm, people don’t do it on purpose. Their body responds automatically in these situations.

• Unfair

Stonewalling may feel unfair to the other person when they want to continue communication, but it’s also unfair to the person experiencing a lack of safety. I wouldn’t classify it as unfair because both parties suffer when it happens.

Stonewalling is Temporary Survival

Stonewalling for most people is a survival skill. I don’t feel safe, I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t know how to deescalate so I’ll shut down. It works temporarily but as we already know, it doesn’t fix the problem in relationships. It may occasionally force the conflict to pause and give the issue some avoidance but it will come back up. It’s adaptive but it’s also toxic.

Without better coping skills and the tools needed to rewire your nervous system during flooding the pattern will continue. Here are some ways to manage the flooding and change the stonewalling into productive communication:

• Pause conversation at the first sign of stonewalling.

• Then take a break to engage in self soothing behaviors.

• Focus on things that calm and regulate your nervous system (deep breathing, meditation, exercise, distraction).

• Work on rebuilding secure attachment in your relationship with the assistance of therapy.

• Build awareness of the signs of flooding and the need to stonewall.

• Engage in CBT: challenge the avoidance, ask yourself if it’s rational to shut down in this situation.

  
  

Stonewalling is not the problem, it’s a warning sign.

If we change our thought process from stonewalling being a problem in our relationship and look at is as a warning sign it will be easier to change the pattern. Our partner recognizing our shutdown as a sign that we both need to pause and self soothe is exactaly what Gottman Method teaches for curing stonewalling.