3 Words That Can Stop A Fight In Its Tracks: According To A Couples Therapist

They’re easy to say, hard to fake, and they can instantly shift your relationship from conflict to connection.

You’ve just got home from an evening out and it suddenly happens- your partner criticizes something you said in front of the server. You fire back with defensiveness and you both fall into the familiar pattern of conflict.

As a couples therapist I see this pattern often in session and my job is to help them either resolve the conflict or prevent it from happening again. In almost any scenario I can help them find a solution with three words; “tell me more”. These three words will interrupt defensiveness and invite curiosity into your partner’s perspective. Let’s explore why this works.

The Power of “Tell Me More”

• It interrupts that defensive response that triggers the cycle.

  
  

Maybe your partner was being critical or maybe you just interpreted them expressing their feelings as an attack. Either way you responding defensively isn’t going to make your partner feel heard and it truly isn’t going to be productive. In Brene Brown’s research on empathy she found that true empathy requires presence.

• It’s a bid for connection.

  
  

In John Gottman’s research he found that bids for connection (any attempt to connect verbally or physically) were a frequent occurrence in couples who were in happy relationships. I think conflict is always an opportunity for connection. When either partner is upset, a feeling is usually tied to that we can either explore that feeling and build connection or turn away and build conflict.

• It communicates curiosity and interest in your partner’s perspective.

  
  

Both you and your partner’s perspectives are real and valid because you both experienced them. In Stephen Porge’s polyvagal Theory he discusses how engaging in curiosity can shift partners out of fight or flight and into engagement. If your partner shares something with you try to understand them pause to understand why they might feel that way not just what they are saying. You can’t problem solve anything if you don’t understand it.   

• It helps your partner feel heard and start the cycle where your partner can hear you.

  
  

In my book, “Listening to Understand Instead of Respond” this is a point I try to explain in all 8 chapters. Conflict cycles fuel when partners don’t feel understood. You think “I don’t feel heard, so I won’t hear my partner and keep trying to get my voice heard”. What works better is if one partner can pause to listen to their partner until they feel understood. Once they feel understood they are much more open to listening to you. Once you both feel heard it becomes so much clearer how to problem solve.

Why It Works-The Science Behind It

1.       It reduces reactivity

In John Gottman’s research he found that emotional flooding can be an issue in conflict and emotional attunement can help reduce the stress hormone cortisol. “Tell me more” can be that emotional diffuser you both may need.

2.       It invites perspective taking

In a study on conflict (Zhou et al 2016) they found that when individuals in conflict were prompted to explain the other person’s point of view the conflict intensity decreased significantly. When you say “Tell me more” you have to listen and keep listening until your partner feels understood.

3.       It triggers emotional safety

Porge’s polyvagal theory also emphasizes that safety cues like your partner showing curiosity activate the engagement system, again reducing fight or flight responses. It’s hard to feel safe when your partner responds with defensiveness, anger, or shutting down. Showing interest in understanding will make your partner feel like you care, in turn making them feel safe to share.

4.       It models secure attachment behavior

In Sue Johnson’s research for Emotionally Focused Therapy she found that secure partners respond to conflict with engagement as opposed to shut down or escalation. Secure attachment is when you feel trust, safety, and closeness in your relationship. “Tell me more” triggers that engagement.

Why It Can Be So Hard To Say In The Moment

It’s hard to break that conflict cycle for a reason. Our brains are wired to protect ourselves, hence why defensiveness is such an easy response. Responding with openness “Tell me more” requires emotional regulation, aside from it being a skill not many of us were modeled growing up it’s hard to do when we feel attacked or hurt. For some people vulnerability feels unsafe, this can be because trust is broken in the relationship or influenced from a past trauma.

How To Practice

• Start outside of conflict:

It’s easier to practice this curiosity when you aren’t feeling flooded or having your own emotional reaction. Try it when your partner is sharing about their day, an interest they have, or just by asking open ended questions to start a coversation.

• Pause before reacting or responding:

If you allow yourself to respond to your partner’s criticism without taking a few seconds to process the conflict cycle will continue. Try taking a breath and remind yourself to be open.

• Bonus phrases that will also work:

“What do you mean?”

“Help me understand how you are feeling”

“What feelings did that bring up for you?”

“I want to listen a bit more before I respond here”

“Share more with me about that”

Conflict is inevitable in relationships but disconnection isn’t. The moment you want to fight back or shut down try doing something new instead and say “Tell me more”.